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So I was watching The Devil Wears Prada the other day when I entered a state of deep though thanks to a scene in the movie. It was the scene where Andy has to go to that ball with Emily despite already having plans for her bf’s birthday. The scene goes on to her not being able to make it because she’s supposed to go to the ball on Miranda’s orders to help Emily. So she calls her friends to inform that she’ll be really late, yada yada. Anyway, as she is finally able to break away and starts heading out she runs into Christian Thompson, someone who’s work she admires. He brazenly flirts with her, but touches on how he received her pieces of work that she had previously sent him and that they were good (or his exact words, “not half bad,” or so I think). He informs her that he is meeting his editor from The New Yorker inside the ball and that she should come with. Spoiler alert (although you should’ve seen this movie already, if not, where have you been): Andy hesitates, but in the end chooses to leave for her bf’s birthday celebration. She arrives home where it’s assumed that all the celebrating is done since her bf is home alone. She had brought him a little cupcake with a candle on it and apologizes for not being there. Her bf, clearly disappointed with the sad puppy eyes look to go along with (but not in the needy way, which was tactful on his part), dismisses her apology and is pretty upset and is like “whatever, I’m going to bed.”
I had to summarize because this is where I went into my thought. Watching the movie, we previously know that Andy’s main goal is to be a journalist, but she’s using her job at Runway as her stepping stone into the field…

I couldn’t help but to place myself into her shoes and say, that if I had the opportunity to advance my career and go with Christian Thompson to meet his editor and be introduced to a potential employer, I would’ve taken it. Considering that I might be in the same situation and that I had a bf myself, I figured that I would explain my presented opportunity to my bf and he would’ve understood.

But then, I was conflicted. It makes sense to me to say that my BF would understand… It’s easy to say it. Knowing the critical thinker that I am however, I analyzed just that. Sure it makes sense that he would understand, sure it’s easy to say, but what about me… If I loved him enough, wouldn’t I want to be there for his special day too?

In a situation like this, I have to be diplomatic and balance things out. Would it be justifiable to miss his birthday if a great opportunity presented itself to me and make it up to him some other time? Would it be okay for him to be upset and disappointed in me because I chose to put myself first before him? Would I not kick myself for passing on an opportunity to move upward beacause of my bf? Would I resent him for it? Is love enough to where it wouldn’t matter?

I went off on a tangent and thought further, and I questioned: How important is someone else’s love worth? Does it make me a bad person for wanting to put myself first before someone else? Is it selfish? Is it bad that I think I would put myself first? Is love enough?

Again, I can’t help but be diplomatic, but my thoughts were in a flurry. Is it bad to put myself first? And why shouldn’t I? If chance presents itself to better yourself, to move forward, upward, to achieve your own personal goals, shouldn’t you take it? Ambition! It’s a double edged sword, I’ve come to realize. You often hear, the higher you get, the more you work, the longer work, the harder you work, and the more time you put in, the more you find yourself alone… Something to that effect. I’ve heard this, but is it really true?

A while ago I posted something where I talk about a very similar thing: “…I’ve seen a lot of people that I know from high school all happy and married and with children… And yes, I would like that for me one day, but all I can really think about is how much I want a career. I don’t know if I’ll ever be the happy, married, sunshine and rainbows, kids and white picket fences type, but I know there is something else that I want more. It may not make me husband material, but I’m not there yet, and I will admit it, first and foremost! At least not yet…”
I can’t help but realize my words and contemplate them further. This was written 4 months ago. Has my mentality on this changed. Honestly? I don’t think so. However, I cannot deny that I have my concerns. I stick by my word. Yes, I want a career, something I can smile about. I have a great time at work currently. I love the work I do and the environment I work in, I love my co-workers all the more. We’re not just a team of people that work together, we are friends, and on some level, a sort of family. I can genuinely say that I am happy where I’m at. Yes, I know I bitch about my commute all the time, but that is only a small con in comparison to the plethora of pros. Yet still, I want more. Those who are close to me know this.

I’ve worked so much these past 10 years, literally climbed to where I am. Yes I am happy, but I still want more. And this is where I go in to the romantic aspects of my life… I have been working all this time, and yes I have a lot of time on my hands after work, outside of work, but I fill my life with so many other things that make me happy that the romanticism hasn’t really been a factor, something that’s missing. My close friends who know me know that I go back and forth on this all the time. 1 weekend I say I’m ready for something more, the next week I’m contemplating if this is what I want, the third week I’m ready and convinced that this year I want a boyfriend, but then the fourth week I’m happy to be single and just slut around.

Do not perceive this to mean that I do not care for intimacy. I know I’m not a cuddle-er. I’m reminded of this quite often, but as I’ve discussed with various friends, I’m not one to cuddle with just anyone. I really do think this is a very intimate thing that I will not do with just anyone. With that being said, can I see myself cuddling with someone in the future, absolutely. This, does not mean however, that this is all I want.

I think the reason why I was so deep and conflicted in thought with the previous scene was because it really made me realize that when you’re in a relationship, it’s no longer just you. It’s you plus 1. It’s your emotion, but also someone else’s emotions to consider. It’s mind baffling for me to grasp that because, lets face it, our own emotions, thoughts and feelings are sometimes so overwhelming! Have you ever come home after a long day, grasped everything that has happened that week with friends, family, work, school, love, sex, mistakes, personal life…. And just wanted to cry because it was so overwhelming? I’ll raise my hand to that! So have all that, and then add someone else’s emotions to consider? I wish I could insert a “mind blown” gif here to really capture the impact of what I’m trying to say. I really do think that being in a serious relationship, loving someone, being with someone, is a big deal.

Is part of me concerned that because of what my priorities are I won’t find someone? Yes! I’m a little worried that I have the mentality that, “you have to take care of yourself because no one else will!” Do I believe this? Yes. I think that we do have to take care of ourselves and do things for ourselves and depend on ourselves. I’ve believed this for a long time, mainly because I’ve been there. Some of us are very fortunate to have that safety net of family to fall back on, and that is such a gift that you should really be grateful for. Others, not as lucky. I’m not saying that I’m all on my own, but I am not one to burden my mother with any of my failures. She taught me how to be strong, responsible, moral, ambitious and driven. She has her own troubles, the last thing she needs are my own.

Yet still, she is family, and then I think, could I allow someone else who is not my blood, a chance to care for me? To catch me if/when I fall? Can I do that, could I allow myself to do that? Am I too prideful to not allow that?

These thoughts in my head, they come and go. I go back and forth… There, and back again.

Tonight, I can honestly say, I am perplexed with my thoughts. Do I know what I want? In some areas of my life, yes! In regards to my romantical life, I honestly am unsure. Am I worried about this? I cannot say that I’m not, but it’s the least of my worries.

I will close off by saying this: Don’t perceive me as someone that doesn’t know how to love? I love many people, truly care for them, but I don’t show it like most people do. I may not hug you every time I see you, I may not look at you in the eye when we chat, I may not constantly praise you or reinforce my affinity for you, but you are loved still. You will see it in glimmers here and there, that I do in deed care.

Gosh this post is so long and convoluted! Welcome to the thoughts that haunt me… Everyday! =D

I read this on FB today, and I just had to set it as my title. It’s so true. Thank you Roda M.. I giggle far too much after copy/pasting stealing borrowing this awesome quote. It needs to go viral, since I know so many people that could relate.

There’s something about the year coming to an end that always gets me going. I get so annoyed by the whole New Years Resolution posts and I always want to say, fuck that… But in the end, I always end up with a resolution myself. Fuck, I never get it right. So over it right now.

Another year coming to a close and nothing. I have a sense apathy  towards everything. I’m ambivalent… Work, school, goals, desires… Ambivalence. It’s like I’ve lost an edge I used to have. My writing on paper has even mellowed out. I think I just need to be inspired.

Where does one go to find inspiration… Where does one go to find a boyfriend… Where can I find an awesome paying job… Where are the Good Times at? Bleh.

Yesterday’s conversation left me in a giggling awe too. It hit me that I haven’t been as good as I thought I had been this past year… Always better to err on the side of caution though. =D

It’s been a very chill year… I hope next year picks up. I want something more… Something new.

I think I’m just bored. Yet so, things have not been boring lately. I’ve been jotting some material here and there… But seriously, they feel like a puzzle. I just have to figure out how to piece them together… See if they look good. Oh piles of scribbles here and there, why don’t you just show me how you’re supposed to look.

Time is a tricky fucker. I always feel like I’m running out of time. I fear that if I close my eyes, February will be upon us, and nothing had been done in the passing months, and everything will be the same.

Sweep me off my feet, take me away, show me what I’ve been missing, what I’ve been afraid of…

I feel so trapped. Like I’m standing still. I’m not necessarily in a bad place, but I’m not where I want to be, where I expected to be.

The saying goes that we’re our own worst critics, and it’s true. I cannot stop kicking myself for how things have turned out lately. My life literally feels like it’s come full circle in a way and that is not going to change any time soon. I’m stuck.

I was driving home from work today, literally with droplets of tears in my eyes because I was made feel shitty today for missing work yesterday. I was even told that I should be more responsible… I had a flat tire that I couldn’t really fix. When life happens, and that one thing you depend on suddenly isn’t working, oh yeah, and you’re broke as fuck, you pretty much have nothing more to do but ask for help… And when that help doesn’t come, you have to figure it out on your own because tomorrow is another fucking day. Well, it took me longer than any other person would to fix my fucking tire I suppose, but I got it fixed and I showed up today. Still, it felt condescending being told to be more responsible.  Whatever, that was just the cherry on top of my current emotional state of mind.

Seriously, I have not been this emo in like, ever I think. I’ve been emotional in the past, all full of secret feelings that make me wanna cry, but not like this. Okay, maybe I have, but it is so overwhelmingly annoying. For someone who just doesn’t like to feel this way, it is so painstakingly frustrating.  I don’t like feeling frustrated, trapped, like I’m standing still and utterly helpless. Okay, Nobody does, but me in particular, do not like this at all.

I was good, until I wasn’t, but I suppose that’s how things go. I was optimistic, I was wanting to like my new job, but seriously, it made me more depressed and let-down than any of the other jobs I’ve had… And one included picking up trash in previously packed theaters… But I did that with a fucking smile on my face at least. I hated my old job, despised it. Dreaded going to work, and eventually, I stopped caring. I gave up. I became a robot to the job and the worst part about it is that I did stop caring…. I am a genuinely nice person I think. At least, I like to think of myself this way. I have good intentions, I am sympathetic, empathetic and emotionally engaged with people when I talk to them… But this job, it made me stop caring. I realized that the higher ups didn’t care that I cared for the client. As it turns out, they cared about the numbers. So I gave up, I got my numbers up and I stopped caring, and I hated myself for that. I didn’t want to turn into a robot, cold, distant, emotionless… But I did. I left. I don’t regret leaving…

But yet, it still felt like a step back, a decrease in pay and like I said before, back full circle.

Don’t get me wrong, I do like my job now, again, as before. I love my co-workers, and I have fun. I actually smile at work, I’m genuine with clients and I’m surrounded with like-minded people towards a cause that we all care about… Yet still, it doesn’t change the fact that it’s a step back. I just finished reading this blog post about this 26 year old (http://convergemagazine.com/26-unmarried-and-childless-8736/) that I totally connected with. Sure I’m 27, but it feels kind of like the same boat.

Both of my brothers are coupled, one is married, and both have children…  I’m not saying that this is what I want, but to be completely honest, I’m not sure. Part of me is pretty envious of my brothers for being there, at that part of their lives. They have their person and their children… On some level, especially being a gay man, I kind of feel like I should be there too. I kind of feel like I should be successfully married and with kids to prove that yes I’m gay, but I can also have a family just like my brothers… It sounds silly, but maybe it doesn’t…

Yet still, it doesn’t loom over my head all the time like some believe it should. It’s not my biggest concern. I’ve said it before, I am seeing friends/family all around me being coupled and getting married and having children and all happy. And I am happy for them, but I’m not there yet. I dunno if I’ll ever be maybe… Mainly, because what I want more is a career.

I told myself that I wanted to be in a successful career by the time my high school reunion rolled around, or at least by the time I was thirty… Well, I have a pretty great job, but I wouldn’t call this my career.

I set this personal goal for myself, not to prove anything to anyone, but to prove something to myself. I wanted to prove to myself that all that time after high school, I was working towards something, and that when it was time to go back, I could be proud of the life I’ve had… I can’t say that I am not proud of what I have achieved, because I am. I’ve come a long way and I’ve done so much with my life. As many ups as I’ve had, I’ve had almost as many downs however. My life… It has not been easy. I’m sad sometimes looking back, for there are a few things missing here and there… Some things that most people my age have had or have… Things that I don’t. Am I jealous? Of course… Do I have regrets? Maybe. There are somethings I will admit I wish I could do differently… But looking back, there’s a reason I took the path I took, and so I recant those thoughts of regret.

I am lost, per say… I do feel trapped, and I do feel like I’m standing still… Yet still, I have an idea, a solid idea of what I want and where I want my life to go. It changes here and there, We all do our tweaks to life here and there, but the goal is there regardless. As long as I have a goal, a light at the end of the tunnel, I don’t feel so lost. It makes me feel better. It comforts me. It makes me feel less lost, less hopeless. Not necessarily standing still, quite possibly moving at a glacial pace (lol), but moving non-the-less.

I’m content… I’m not sad and I don’t have self-loathing. I’m content. I am my own worst critic, and I tell myself that I can do more, I can go further. I am not one to settle. I do like a challenge, and I will push for more. I know I deserve more because I’ve worked hard for more, and I will not settle for less than what I deserve, and certainly not for less than what I want.

Perhaps all this emotional torrent came flushing in today after months of keeping everything bottled up… You can only stuff a bottle (or shake it up) so many times before it bursts and it can’t handle the pressure…

Ask me how I’m doing, and I’ll answer how people usually answer, “I’m good, how are you?”

Genuinely ask me how I’m doing and expect and honest answer, and I shall respond honestly… “No, I’m not okay, but I will be…”

At least, I smile and I carry on… Tomorrow is another day.

Still, I have to share this… It made me smile, and it really puts a smile on my face, mainly because it’s from Grey’s. =)

“It’s not always easy to speak your mind. Sometimes you need to be forced to do it. Sometimes it’s just better to keep things to yourself, though, play dumb. Even when your whole body is aching to come clean. So you shut your mouth, keep the secret, and find other ways to keep yourself happy.” – Dark and Twisty

LOL =P

So What’s Next?

I am bored…

I spent these past two days at home. I purposefully cut myself off from the outside world because I needed to clear my mind. There was so much going on this past week that just kind of overwhelmed me. I can handle the stress, the emotional components to the change of this and that, but when it all happens at the same time, you got to admit that it is a lot to take in. I needed a break. As much as I like the social setting, hanging out with friends, and just talking on end about the randomness of life, I really needed to take a step back from that. I needed some time away from social interaction and just be in my head. I needed to process everything, decompress and evaluate.

Your past, it’s like a ghost. You don’t see it, but somehow, you feel it, there, watching you, coexisting with you. It does sneak up on you every so often just to give you a good haunt. I’ve been haunted in a way this past week. So many different haunts that it was kind of ironic, or coincidental, that they all occurred at the same time. Reminders of a past love, reminders of a childhood advice, reminders of those that are no longer here, reminders of past experiences, there and back again, here and now. It was all so convoluted. My emotional state reminded me of the past in so many different ways. Sure, I’m not the same person anymore, I’ve grown, I’ve changed. Well, in a lot of different ways I’ve changed. In others… That’s still a question mark. It’s so easy to fall into old habits though. However, the feelings are much different now. I know this now, especially considering this past week.

I was not okay this week. I was too in my head. There was too much going on, too much to think about. I’ve thought about a lot of things, and nothing at all at the same time. I’ll be ok, eventually. All I can do right now is move forward. I cannot change the past, or the  advice that was given to me when I was a kid. You can take it or you can leave it, but sometimes, what other people tell you, it sticks. I need to let myself go a little in certain areas. I’m too controlled, and I get that, but just got to learn how to let go.

It was a good few couple of days. I needed this “break” to think about all these thoughts running through my head. I still don’t have a good grasp of things, but at least I know it will be ok. Just keep moving.

The other thing, I am bored. I’m stagnant. I feel like I’m standing still. I want excitement. As much as I needed these couple of days, I was also quite bored. You can only be in your head so much before you get tired of talking to yourself. I want something more. I need something more. I have some ideas here and there, but I’m still figuring it out. I don’t think we ever really know what we want. I’ll have to admit that I do feel a little lost. I’m walking on an unknown road, hoping to find my destination, hoping to eventually make it out. I’m not unhappy, luckily. I’m ok. I’m… Content, per say. It’s true, I want more, but I’ll get there when I get there. I’ll figure it out eventually.

On the bright side, all and all, it was a good day.

“I got my ticket for the long way ‘round

Two bottle whiskey for the way

And I sure would like some sweet company

When I’m leaving tomorrow, wadda you say?

When I’m gone…

When I’m gone…

You’re gonna miss me when I’m gone,

You’re gonna miss me by my hair

You’re gonna miss me everywhere, oh

You’re gonna miss me when I’m gone…

I got my ticket for the long way ‘round

The one with the prettiest of views…

It’s got mountains, it’s got rivers

It’s got sights to give you shivers,

But it sure would be prettier with you

When I’m gone…

When I’m gone…

You’re gonna miss me when I’m gone

You’re gonna miss me by my walk

You’re gonna miss me by my talk, oh

You’re gonna miss me when I’m gone….”

Words cannot begin to describe the wonderful night tonight. The beauty, the surreal feeling and realization of our size in comparison to all that is out there. I am flabbergasted. I really needed this night. I needed to see that there is so much more out there. So much more. I’m bewildered to come back to this reality of mine that I so just want to walk away from. No more walking away. At least not from some certain things. Others… It is absolutely necessary. It really makes my feel that my issues are  frivolous and trivial… Well, they’re still a big deal to me, but to me alone.

Lullaby…

“Send a wish upon a star
Do the work and you’ll go far
Send a wish upon a star
Make a map and there you are

Send a hope upon a wave
A dying wish before the grave
Send a hope upon a wave
For all the souls you failed to save

And you stood tall
Now you will fall
Don’t break the spell
Of a life spent trying to do well
And you stood tall
Now you will fall
Don’t break the spell
Of a life spent trying to do well

Send a question in the wind
It’s hard to know where to begin
So send the question in the wind
And give an answer to a friend

Place your past into a book
Put in everything you ever took
Place your past into a book
Burn the pages let them cook

And you stood tall
Now you will fall
Don’t break the spell
Of a life spent trying to do well
And you stood tall
Now you will fall
Don’t break the spell
Of a life spent trying to do well”

Send a wish upon a star
Do the work and you’ll go far
Send a wish upon a star
Make a map and there you are

Send a hope upon a wave
A dying wish before the grave
Send a hope upon a wave
For all the souls you failed to save

And you stood tall
Now you will fall
Don’t break the spell
Of a life spent trying to do well
And you stood tall
Now you will fall
Don’t break the spell
Of a life spent trying to do well

Send a question in the wind
It’s hard to know where to begin
So send the question in the wind
And give an answer to a friend

Place your past into a book
Put in everything you ever took
Place your past into a book
Burn the pages let them cook

And you stood tall
Now you will fall
Don’t break the spell
Of a life spent trying to do well
And you stood tall
Now you will fall
Don’t break the spell
Of a life spent trying to do well

I can only speak for myself.  How can i lay myself to sleep when there’s a world alive outside? How can i pretend that this does not exist. I know I’m naive… but even i am not this foolish. Then again. .. Aren’t we all?

“And as he laid himself to sleep, he closed his eyes. He remembered those beautiful silver stone grey blue stones that will forever haunt him and remind him of a past he cannot forget. As he laid there he understood that you cannot forget your past, but you can put it behind you and move on. You can let go. It’s hard, and the choice doesn’t come easy, but it can be done. It must be done. He loved. And although the experience wasn’t how he wanted it, how he thought it should’ve/could’ve been, he felt love all the same. Forever grateful to have been able to witness such beautiful treasure. No regrets. It’s over now. And although he’s walking away now, for very different things, he understands the difficulties of his choices. They’re not easy, and the hurt will not go away that easily. He knows though, that he will learn, he will grow, and change will come regardless. Things will not always work according to plan, but you deal with what’s in front of you. He will never again say that things happen for a reason. He will put his fate in his own hands from now on. His choice, his decision. He will deal with the consequences. This, however, is one fight he cannot/will not take on. Sometimes you have to be strong enough to know that this is just too much for you. As he closed his eyes and remembered all that has transpired, he took one last breath and whispered, ‘tomorrow is another day. Change is going to come.’ He opened his eyes, looked at his nicely packed suite cases piled on the floor, and then laid himself to sleep.”

I’ve been scribbling again here and there. Notebook at work, snippets on my phone, pieces of paper here and there. It reminds me so much of the past, when I used to write all the time. I’ve missed it.

Music has been such a comfort too. So powerfully motivating. I go to sleep with certain songs in my head, and I wake up with a completely different song in my head. It’s like all these song are stored in my brain like an iPod. They come at you at the most opportune moment. It’s as if your brain is telling you, “this is what  you need to hear right now.”

I woke up with Alanis Morissette’s These R The Thoughts stuck in my head all morning long. I haven’t heard this song in years, but it decided to pop into my head this morning. Not to mention my random dream.

It was sweet. Completely random. And about someone I don’t even know, which I thought was the weirdest part. The point, after dissecting the dream, analyzing and deciphering it’s cryptic meaning, is that you cannot rush somethings. You take your time. The dream was quite nice, and it actually had a happy ending so to speak. I didn’t really finish it since I woke up with a “WTF” look in my face.

Still, I liked the dream. Maybe one day it will become a reality. For now, it’s been such a great week already. I think it’s been a much needed week/vacation. I feel refreshed in a way. Things have been put into perspective in sense. Nothing is clear, nothing is evident, nothing is certain, but I at least have a clearer understanding now. And sometimes… Oh sometimes, somethings are just meant to not be understood. Sometimes… =)

There is a quote that I really love. It comes from one of my favorite movies. And I like to believe that our favorite movies say a lot about ourselves, so I won’t divulge which movie this is, but I’m pretty sure that most people that read this are smart enough to figure it out. I love this movie, for various reasons. For it’s strong yet weak characters. For it’s facade each character gives, because all characters are perceived as one thing, but are really another… But I love this movie more for it’s ending. It’s not a happy ending, and although it seems very self-fulfilling prophetic prophecy of me, and to quite possibly to believe that my ending can be like so, as realistic and optimistic as I may be, I still prepare for the worse. Hopeless? Yes. Romantic, I can honestly say I don’t know how to be.

But I’m rambling, so the quote is as follows:

“as if you had no choice? There’s a moment, there’s always a moment, “I can do this, I can give into this, or I can resist it”, and I don’t know when your moment was, but I bet you there was one.”

Apply it as you wish. To however/whatever you want to apply it to. I know what I apply it to myself. We all have our moments, our points of decisions. I completely understand that we all have our undecided/spontaneous/rely on instinct moments(I know I have). But I have to admit that we also have our moments of choice right before we fall, right before we give in. There is a moment right before we decide to fall. There’s a moment before we decide to let go. There’s a moment when we tell ourselves to just go with it and fuck the consequences.

As much as we like to believe in our naivete, we all know and remember that moment.

And it comes full circle. We get fucked by the consequences, or we get fucked by the cause and effect. Or, we get our happy ending… It varies really. I know there’s no happy ending in my book, but that’s a whole other story…

I’m not one to deny any of this. I will be the first to admit that I can be as naive as a groundhog on groundhog day… But I do refuse to move forward. I know I’m not nearly as strong enough to ignore certain things, but I’m strong enough to walk away. And maybe I am a coward, and it has been easy for me to walk away before. Yet still, I don’t regret it.

Change happens. Life Changes, People Change, Everything Changes. How you handle that change, is all up to you.

Sometimes, as hard as it is to admit it, and harder as it is to convince yourself to do it, You really do have to say good bye. Au revoir, Adios, and take care. Our paths are never done, only just started. I’m always excited to just keep going. And seriously, why wouldn’t I be? Just around the riverbed right? =)

(P.S: Nara by E.S. Posthumus and  some other songs by Antonio Pinto were probably the best soundtracks to listen to for me to write this.).

It’s another time now. =)

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