Damn it! Damn Family! You know, you love them, but they really know how to piss you off and let you down more so than anyone else!

I love my mother, and for the sake of the saying “love you to death” (because sometimes I do lady!) I won’t say it! But I love my mother, but our relationship hasn’t been as smooth as it was when I was a kid! It just went down hill when I turned 18 and started being more free! And then our hole fiasco about me being gay! I mean for god sakes! She’s still in denial about it! It pisses me off that every so often she asks me “when are you going to get married and have grandchildren?”

It makes me want to say, “once they get rid of prop 8 mom!!!!”

Grr! An issue in relation to that a came up while ago! Obviously I will not birth a little Louie! But I would like to have a family in my future… I would so adopt a child or children (Not sure yet, I go back and forth with the idea), and I would love to be married in my future! But that illusion of a family was crushed when I discussed it with my mom!

I didn’t tell her that I wanted to get married with a man! No!!!! I avoid the whole gay subject/topic/agenda altogether with her. It is something that I understand that she will never come to terms with and I’m ok with that! It’s her loss if she doesn’t want to be a part of my life. If she complains to me later about me not being in her life as much (which she kind of already does) I will so throw that in her face, “because you’re not ok with my lifestyle!”

I mean, how can I be a part of her life, be in her life, if she doesn’t approve of the way I lead mine! Sure, I know she hopes for the best! I know she wishes the best for me! It’s a hard topic that I just rather avoid when I’m with her!

But she really pissed me off the other day because again she asked about when I was going to have kids! So I told her, I don’t plan on “having” kids but that I would very likely adopt! She gave me this quizical and condescending look and asked why! And I asked why not?

She then gave me this whole speech about how those kids wouldn’t really be family and that she wouldn’t feel comfortable having them in her home and how she wouldn’t really be a grandma to them! It was really sad for me to hear that!  To hear that the people that I choose to be my family will not be welcomed in her home because there’s no blood relation! It just pissed me off! She then went on about Prop 8 and how if they would do the ballots again that she would vote yes because gays and lesbians are not real families and yada yada yada! I just got really sad to hear that this woman who tought me a lot of what I know can be so closed minded and cruel and ignorant! It’s just sad!

Again, I love her (to death sometimes) but our relationship is rocky at best! We get along well at least! We’ve come to a point where we respect each other, if not the way we live our lives (She’s a born-again-christian now and it annoys the hell out of me because every other sentence is something in relation to the lord). I don’t have an issue with her being a christian, just that if she’s going to be a christian, be a good one! Geesh!

I’m basically ranting here!

We had a talk this morning about how she always wants to help our family, but in reality, no one helps her! I can’t help her, I have bills and all this other shit going on that I have no room, time or money to help her out with! She knows that and doesn’t hold it against me at least! But It just pisses me off that she wants to give and give and give and she gets screwed in the end!

And now, thanks to her “giving to family,” I might be getting screwed!

My old car, the 1990 Toyota Camary that I had back in 2006/2007, I sold to my mom back in 2007 when I got my new car! I filled out the title over to her and I was done with it! She, the oh so good samaritan that she is, “Sold” the car to my uncle, who only gave her like half of what she asked for! Ok… So this is good right, she sold the car to a relative for cheap (She just really got screwed.) and that was that! Well, said relative was caught driving on a suspended license, so now, the car is impounded and has to be impounded for 30 days! As it turns out, THE CAR IS STILL REGISTERED TO ME! She never filled out the paper work to switch the car over in her name and then my uncle, and now they’re asking me to get the car out! $30 a day for it being in the lot plus towing charges and all that… And, if I don’t get it out, they’re going to sell it, and any money that is not paid of, say for however long it was there, will be charged to me and all that bull shit goes against my credit!

So now I’m getting screwed indirectly by family! GRRR! You know, that is why I have lived away from home ever since I was 18… I just rather deal and clean up my own shit than clean up after everyone else’s! I love my family, don’t get me wrong, but I just love them at a distance!

I know, I sound like such a bitch, like such a horrible human being! But you know what, I have my own shit to deal with. I have my own problems and issues that I am going through! But I am dealing with my shit! I’m not bringing anyone down with any of my fuck ups (I hope)! Yes, some of my family members have been more then helpful in the past in various different ways! Brothers, cousins, aunts, uncles, my mother! They have been very helpful! But I’m at a very different place now where I no longer need their help! Sure, I would love to help them out if I could, but right now, I have to help myself first before I can help anyone else!

It’s one of the reasons why I haven’t dated anyone! I can’t in good conscience commit to someone knowing that I myself am not together!

It is so true that when it rains it pours! But you know what, I’m dealing with this shit! I was so set to go shopping at the end of May! But now, I know what I have to do! I’m going to finish paying off my debts! And just be done with it! I told myself in the begining of the year that this was not going to be a fun year! This was going to be a year where I deal with my problems, with the messes I have created! And you know what, I am… But it also means that I have to sacrafice some liberties, and I’m ok with that! I’ll be broke this year, but I’ll be financially stable next year, and that so gives me something to look forward to!

I’m not pissed off right now! I think I’m just frustrated! I’m not angry, I can’t be angry… I undestand that she wanted to help, but there’s no point in helping if you screw yourself in the end!