It’s a back and forth thing. It’s easy to do. We all do it. We go back and forth between this and that. Decisions decisions. Is this a good choice? Is this for the best? What are the benefits? What are the disadvantages? Where do I go from here…

So many choices made these past couple of days, some a lot harder than others. Some so frivolous I think that I can’t believe it was a choice to begin with. To call or not to call shouldn’t be the question if you already know the answer. Thank goodness for wise friends.

I sometimes feel like I don’t do enough to go after what I want. But then I question this very fact… I tend to be a go getter, contrary to the previous statement, so I wonder? Would I not be going after something if I really wanted? It makes me believe that I don’t really want what I think I want from X person to begin with. That, or I already got what I wanted?

The truth is, I have no idea what I want. I always go back and forth with what I want regarding my romantic affairs… Do I want something serious or just a fling? Do I want a serious relationship, or a friend with benefits?

I don’t even have anyone in my horizon to even help figure out what I want? The last person I had a crush on is straight, and the last person I told I was interested in was a one night stand whom I haven’t heard from since then. Which I’m not upset about at all (I know what a one night stand is). The thing is, I did say I was interested before the sexy time occurred. We were kind of sloshed though. Meh, whatever. I supposed it doesn’t count if in the end all of the previous conversation and bar time and makeout sessions resulted in sexy time at the end of the night (aka: the one night stand).

Bleh, I supposed that’s why it is a process to move on. Reflect, evaluate, reevaluate, conclude, and start again with a whole new different person, ha ha!

Perhaps I don’t know what I want, but I don’t think that’s a bad thing. There are worse things. Like going into a relationship after only knowing the guy for one week, or going into something serious with someone you don’t even connect with? I don’t know if those or bad things though, but they don’t sound appealing to me. Maybe going out with a cuddler or some overly sensitive, overly romantic guy. Aaaahhhh. Ok, I have to stop being mean. Ok, yeah, no.

I need to start focusing on the now. Forget about the future (with certain things). In regards to my “romantical affairs,” I should really just forget about planning and just focus on the now. The now is good. Jesus, when did I become all overly emotional? Actually, maybe I’ve always been this way, but just choose not to show it all that often. Ok, no. I’m not a secret hopeless romantic, and I’m not a cuddler. I’ve never even really seen The Notebook! My favorite romance movie is Closer with Natalie Portman (she was my favorite character in that movie). Closer wasn’t even a romance though, it was like a drama or whatever. Ok, there has to be a romance movie that I like… None are coming to mind though… Yeah, I got nothing…. No! Wait for it? Ah yes, I remember. I love thee Keanu Reeves. It’s A Walk In The Clouds. That’s my favorite romance movie. That or The Sweetest Thing, but TST is a Romantic Comedy… Whatever.

Yeah, maybe it’s time for bed. Maybe. =)