Archive for July, 2013


“And as he laid himself to sleep, he closed his eyes. He remembered those beautiful silver stone grey blue stones that will forever haunt him and remind him of a past he cannot forget. As he laid there he understood that you cannot forget your past, but you can put it behind you and move on. You can let go. It’s hard, and the choice doesn’t come easy, but it can be done. It must be done. He loved. And although the experience wasn’t how he wanted it, how he thought it should’ve/could’ve been, he felt love all the same. Forever grateful to have been able to witness such beautiful treasure. No regrets. It’s over now. And although he’s walking away now, for very different things, he understands the difficulties of his choices. They’re not easy, and the hurt will not go away that easily. He knows though, that he will learn, he will grow, and change will come regardless. Things will not always work according to plan, but you deal with what’s in front of you. He will never again say that things happen for a reason. He will put his fate in his own hands from now on. His choice, his decision. He will deal with the consequences. This, however, is one fight he cannot/will not take on. Sometimes you have to be strong enough to know that this is just too much for you. As he closed his eyes and remembered all that has transpired, he took one last breath and whispered, ‘tomorrow is another day. Change is going to come.’ He opened his eyes, looked at his nicely packed suite cases piled on the floor, and then laid himself to sleep.”

I’ve been scribbling again here and there. Notebook at work, snippets on my phone, pieces of paper here and there. It reminds me so much of the past, when I used to write all the time. I’ve missed it.

Music has been such a comfort too. So powerfully motivating. I go to sleep with certain songs in my head, and I wake up with a completely different song in my head. It’s like all these song are stored in my brain like an iPod. They come at you at the most opportune moment. It’s as if your brain is telling you, “this is what  you need to hear right now.”

I woke up with Alanis Morissette’s These R The Thoughts stuck in my head all morning long. I haven’t heard this song in years, but it decided to pop into my head this morning. Not to mention my random dream.

It was sweet. Completely random. And about someone I don’t even know, which I thought was the weirdest part. The point, after dissecting the dream, analyzing and deciphering it’s cryptic meaning, is that you cannot rush somethings. You take your time. The dream was quite nice, and it actually had a happy ending so to speak. I didn’t really finish it since I woke up with a “WTF” look in my face.

Still, I liked the dream. Maybe one day it will become a reality. For now, it’s been such a great week already. I think it’s been a much needed week/vacation. I feel refreshed in a way. Things have been put into perspective in sense. Nothing is clear, nothing is evident, nothing is certain, but I at least have a clearer understanding now. And sometimes… Oh sometimes, somethings are just meant to not be understood. Sometimes… =)

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There is a quote that I really love. It comes from one of my favorite movies. And I like to believe that our favorite movies say a lot about ourselves, so I won’t divulge which movie this is, but I’m pretty sure that most people that read this are smart enough to figure it out. I love this movie, for various reasons. For it’s strong yet weak characters. For it’s facade each character gives, because all characters are perceived as one thing, but are really another… But I love this movie more for it’s ending. It’s not a happy ending, and although it seems very self-fulfilling prophetic prophecy of me, and to quite possibly to believe that my ending can be like so, as realistic and optimistic as I may be, I still prepare for the worse. Hopeless? Yes. Romantic, I can honestly say I don’t know how to be.

But I’m rambling, so the quote is as follows:

“as if you had no choice? There’s a moment, there’s always a moment, “I can do this, I can give into this, or I can resist it”, and I don’t know when your moment was, but I bet you there was one.”

Apply it as you wish. To however/whatever you want to apply it to. I know what I apply it to myself. We all have our moments, our points of decisions. I completely understand that we all have our undecided/spontaneous/rely on instinct moments(I know I have). But I have to admit that we also have our moments of choice right before we fall, right before we give in. There is a moment right before we decide to fall. There’s a moment before we decide to let go. There’s a moment when we tell ourselves to just go with it and fuck the consequences.

As much as we like to believe in our naivete, we all know and remember that moment.

And it comes full circle. We get fucked by the consequences, or we get fucked by the cause and effect. Or, we get our happy ending… It varies really. I know there’s no happy ending in my book, but that’s a whole other story…

I’m not one to deny any of this. I will be the first to admit that I can be as naive as a groundhog on groundhog day… But I do refuse to move forward. I know I’m not nearly as strong enough to ignore certain things, but I’m strong enough to walk away. And maybe I am a coward, and it has been easy for me to walk away before. Yet still, I don’t regret it.

Change happens. Life Changes, People Change, Everything Changes. How you handle that change, is all up to you.

Sometimes, as hard as it is to admit it, and harder as it is to convince yourself to do it, You really do have to say good bye. Au revoir, Adios, and take care. Our paths are never done, only just started. I’m always excited to just keep going. And seriously, why wouldn’t I be? Just around the riverbed right? =)

(P.S: Nara by E.S. Posthumus and  some other songs by Antonio Pinto were probably the best soundtracks to listen to for me to write this.).

It’s another time now. =)

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