Archive for August, 2013


So What’s Next?

I am bored…

I spent these past two days at home. I purposefully cut myself off from the outside world because I needed to clear my mind. There was so much going on this past week that just kind of overwhelmed me. I can handle the stress, the emotional components to the change of this and that, but when it all happens at the same time, you got to admit that it is a lot to take in. I needed a break. As much as I like the social setting, hanging out with friends, and just talking on end about the randomness of life, I really needed to take a step back from that. I needed some time away from social interaction and just be in my head. I needed to process everything, decompress and evaluate.

Your past, it’s like a ghost. You don’t see it, but somehow, you feel it, there, watching you, coexisting with you. It does sneak up on you every so often just to give you a good haunt. I’ve been haunted in a way this past week. So many different haunts that it was kind of ironic, or coincidental, that they all occurred at the same time. Reminders of a past love, reminders of a childhood advice, reminders of those that are no longer here, reminders of past experiences, there and back again, here and now. It was all so convoluted. My emotional state reminded me of the past in so many different ways. Sure, I’m not the same person anymore, I’ve grown, I’ve changed. Well, in a lot of different ways I’ve changed. In others… That’s still a question mark. It’s so easy to fall into old habits though. However, the feelings are much different now. I know this now, especially considering this past week.

I was not okay this week. I was too in my head. There was too much going on, too much to think about. I’ve thought about a lot of things, and nothing at all at the same time. I’ll be ok, eventually. All I can do right now is move forward. I cannot change the past, or the  advice that was given to me when I was a kid. You can take it or you can leave it, but sometimes, what other people tell you, it sticks. I need to let myself go a little in certain areas. I’m too controlled, and I get that, but just got to learn how to let go.

It was a good few couple of days. I needed this “break” to think about all these thoughts running through my head. I still don’t have a good grasp of things, but at least I know it will be ok. Just keep moving.

The other thing, I am bored. I’m stagnant. I feel like I’m standing still. I want excitement. As much as I needed these couple of days, I was also quite bored. You can only be in your head so much before you get tired of talking to yourself. I want something more. I need something more. I have some ideas here and there, but I’m still figuring it out. I don’t think we ever really know what we want. I’ll have to admit that I do feel a little lost. I’m walking on an unknown road, hoping to find my destination, hoping to eventually make it out. I’m not unhappy, luckily. I’m ok. I’m… Content, per say. It’s true, I want more, but I’ll get there when I get there. I’ll figure it out eventually.

On the bright side, all and all, it was a good day.

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“I got my ticket for the long way ‘round

Two bottle whiskey for the way

And I sure would like some sweet company

When I’m leaving tomorrow, wadda you say?

When I’m gone…

When I’m gone…

You’re gonna miss me when I’m gone,

You’re gonna miss me by my hair

You’re gonna miss me everywhere, oh

You’re gonna miss me when I’m gone…

I got my ticket for the long way ‘round

The one with the prettiest of views…

It’s got mountains, it’s got rivers

It’s got sights to give you shivers,

But it sure would be prettier with you

When I’m gone…

When I’m gone…

You’re gonna miss me when I’m gone

You’re gonna miss me by my walk

You’re gonna miss me by my talk, oh

You’re gonna miss me when I’m gone….”

Words cannot begin to describe the wonderful night tonight. The beauty, the surreal feeling and realization of our size in comparison to all that is out there. I am flabbergasted. I really needed this night. I needed to see that there is so much more out there. So much more. I’m bewildered to come back to this reality of mine that I so just want to walk away from. No more walking away. At least not from some certain things. Others… It is absolutely necessary. It really makes my feel that my issues are  frivolous and trivial… Well, they’re still a big deal to me, but to me alone.

Lullaby…

“Send a wish upon a star
Do the work and you’ll go far
Send a wish upon a star
Make a map and there you are

Send a hope upon a wave
A dying wish before the grave
Send a hope upon a wave
For all the souls you failed to save

And you stood tall
Now you will fall
Don’t break the spell
Of a life spent trying to do well
And you stood tall
Now you will fall
Don’t break the spell
Of a life spent trying to do well

Send a question in the wind
It’s hard to know where to begin
So send the question in the wind
And give an answer to a friend

Place your past into a book
Put in everything you ever took
Place your past into a book
Burn the pages let them cook

And you stood tall
Now you will fall
Don’t break the spell
Of a life spent trying to do well
And you stood tall
Now you will fall
Don’t break the spell
Of a life spent trying to do well”

Send a wish upon a star
Do the work and you’ll go far
Send a wish upon a star
Make a map and there you are

Send a hope upon a wave
A dying wish before the grave
Send a hope upon a wave
For all the souls you failed to save

And you stood tall
Now you will fall
Don’t break the spell
Of a life spent trying to do well
And you stood tall
Now you will fall
Don’t break the spell
Of a life spent trying to do well

Send a question in the wind
It’s hard to know where to begin
So send the question in the wind
And give an answer to a friend

Place your past into a book
Put in everything you ever took
Place your past into a book
Burn the pages let them cook

And you stood tall
Now you will fall
Don’t break the spell
Of a life spent trying to do well
And you stood tall
Now you will fall
Don’t break the spell
Of a life spent trying to do well

I can only speak for myself.  How can i lay myself to sleep when there’s a world alive outside? How can i pretend that this does not exist. I know I’m naive… but even i am not this foolish. Then again. .. Aren’t we all?

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