I feel so trapped. Like I’m standing still. I’m not necessarily in a bad place, but I’m not where I want to be, where I expected to be.

The saying goes that we’re our own worst critics, and it’s true. I cannot stop kicking myself for how things have turned out lately. My life literally feels like it’s come full circle in a way and that is not going to change any time soon. I’m stuck.

I was driving home from work today, literally with droplets of tears in my eyes because I was made feel shitty today for missing work yesterday. I was even told that I should be more responsible… I had a flat tire that I couldn’t really fix. When life happens, and that one thing you depend on suddenly isn’t working, oh yeah, and you’re broke as fuck, you pretty much have nothing more to do but ask for help… And when that help doesn’t come, you have to figure it out on your own because tomorrow is another fucking day. Well, it took me longer than any other person would to fix my fucking tire I suppose, but I got it fixed and I showed up today. Still, it felt condescending being told to be more responsible.  Whatever, that was just the cherry on top of my current emotional state of mind.

Seriously, I have not been this emo in like, ever I think. I’ve been emotional in the past, all full of secret feelings that make me wanna cry, but not like this. Okay, maybe I have, but it is so overwhelmingly annoying. For someone who just doesn’t like to feel this way, it is so painstakingly frustrating.  I don’t like feeling frustrated, trapped, like I’m standing still and utterly helpless. Okay, Nobody does, but me in particular, do not like this at all.

I was good, until I wasn’t, but I suppose that’s how things go. I was optimistic, I was wanting to like my new job, but seriously, it made me more depressed and let-down than any of the other jobs I’ve had… And one included picking up trash in previously packed theaters… But I did that with a fucking smile on my face at least. I hated my old job, despised it. Dreaded going to work, and eventually, I stopped caring. I gave up. I became a robot to the job and the worst part about it is that I did stop caring…. I am a genuinely nice person I think. At least, I like to think of myself this way. I have good intentions, I am sympathetic, empathetic and emotionally engaged with people when I talk to them… But this job, it made me stop caring. I realized that the higher ups didn’t care that I cared for the client. As it turns out, they cared about the numbers. So I gave up, I got my numbers up and I stopped caring, and I hated myself for that. I didn’t want to turn into a robot, cold, distant, emotionless… But I did. I left. I don’t regret leaving…

But yet, it still felt like a step back, a decrease in pay and like I said before, back full circle.

Don’t get me wrong, I do like my job now, again, as before. I love my co-workers, and I have fun. I actually smile at work, I’m genuine with clients and I’m surrounded with like-minded people towards a cause that we all care about… Yet still, it doesn’t change the fact that it’s a step back. I just finished reading this blog post about this 26 year old (http://convergemagazine.com/26-unmarried-and-childless-8736/) that I totally connected with. Sure I’m 27, but it feels kind of like the same boat.

Both of my brothers are coupled, one is married, and both have children…  I’m not saying that this is what I want, but to be completely honest, I’m not sure. Part of me is pretty envious of my brothers for being there, at that part of their lives. They have their person and their children… On some level, especially being a gay man, I kind of feel like I should be there too. I kind of feel like I should be successfully married and with kids to prove that yes I’m gay, but I can also have a family just like my brothers… It sounds silly, but maybe it doesn’t…

Yet still, it doesn’t loom over my head all the time like some believe it should. It’s not my biggest concern. I’ve said it before, I am seeing friends/family all around me being coupled and getting married and having children and all happy. And I am happy for them, but I’m not there yet. I dunno if I’ll ever be maybe… Mainly, because what I want more is a career.

I told myself that I wanted to be in a successful career by the time my high school reunion rolled around, or at least by the time I was thirty… Well, I have a pretty great job, but I wouldn’t call this my career.

I set this personal goal for myself, not to prove anything to anyone, but to prove something to myself. I wanted to prove to myself that all that time after high school, I was working towards something, and that when it was time to go back, I could be proud of the life I’ve had… I can’t say that I am not proud of what I have achieved, because I am. I’ve come a long way and I’ve done so much with my life. As many ups as I’ve had, I’ve had almost as many downs however. My life… It has not been easy. I’m sad sometimes looking back, for there are a few things missing here and there… Some things that most people my age have had or have… Things that I don’t. Am I jealous? Of course… Do I have regrets? Maybe. There are somethings I will admit I wish I could do differently… But looking back, there’s a reason I took the path I took, and so I recant those thoughts of regret.

I am lost, per say… I do feel trapped, and I do feel like I’m standing still… Yet still, I have an idea, a solid idea of what I want and where I want my life to go. It changes here and there, We all do our tweaks to life here and there, but the goal is there regardless. As long as I have a goal, a light at the end of the tunnel, I don’t feel so lost. It makes me feel better. It comforts me. It makes me feel less lost, less hopeless. Not necessarily standing still, quite possibly moving at a glacial pace (lol), but moving non-the-less.

I’m content… I’m not sad and I don’t have self-loathing. I’m content. I am my own worst critic, and I tell myself that I can do more, I can go further. I am not one to settle. I do like a challenge, and I will push for more. I know I deserve more because I’ve worked hard for more, and I will not settle for less than what I deserve, and certainly not for less than what I want.

Perhaps all this emotional torrent came flushing in today after months of keeping everything bottled up… You can only stuff a bottle (or shake it up) so many times before it bursts and it can’t handle the pressure…

Ask me how I’m doing, and I’ll answer how people usually answer, “I’m good, how are you?”

Genuinely ask me how I’m doing and expect and honest answer, and I shall respond honestly… “No, I’m not okay, but I will be…”

At least, I smile and I carry on… Tomorrow is another day.

Still, I have to share this… It made me smile, and it really puts a smile on my face, mainly because it’s from Grey’s. =)

“It’s not always easy to speak your mind. Sometimes you need to be forced to do it. Sometimes it’s just better to keep things to yourself, though, play dumb. Even when your whole body is aching to come clean. So you shut your mouth, keep the secret, and find other ways to keep yourself happy.” – Dark and Twisty

LOL =P

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