So I was watching The Devil Wears Prada the other day when I entered a state of deep though thanks to a scene in the movie. It was the scene where Andy has to go to that ball with Emily despite already having plans for her bf’s birthday. The scene goes on to her not being able to make it because she’s supposed to go to the ball on Miranda’s orders to help Emily. So she calls her friends to inform that she’ll be really late, yada yada. Anyway, as she is finally able to break away and starts heading out she runs into Christian Thompson, someone who’s work she admires. He brazenly flirts with her, but touches on how he received her pieces of work that she had previously sent him and that they were good (or his exact words, “not half bad,” or so I think). He informs her that he is meeting his editor from The New Yorker inside the ball and that she should come with. Spoiler alert (although you should’ve seen this movie already, if not, where have you been): Andy hesitates, but in the end chooses to leave for her bf’s birthday celebration. She arrives home where it’s assumed that all the celebrating is done since her bf is home alone. She had brought him a little cupcake with a candle on it and apologizes for not being there. Her bf, clearly disappointed with the sad puppy eyes look to go along with (but not in the needy way, which was tactful on his part), dismisses her apology and is pretty upset and is like “whatever, I’m going to bed.”
I had to summarize because this is where I went into my thought. Watching the movie, we previously know that Andy’s main goal is to be a journalist, but she’s using her job at Runway as her stepping stone into the field…

I couldn’t help but to place myself into her shoes and say, that if I had the opportunity to advance my career and go with Christian Thompson to meet his editor and be introduced to a potential employer, I would’ve taken it. Considering that I might be in the same situation and that I had a bf myself, I figured that I would explain my presented opportunity to my bf and he would’ve understood.

But then, I was conflicted. It makes sense to me to say that my BF would understand… It’s easy to say it. Knowing the critical thinker that I am however, I analyzed just that. Sure it makes sense that he would understand, sure it’s easy to say, but what about me… If I loved him enough, wouldn’t I want to be there for his special day too?

In a situation like this, I have to be diplomatic and balance things out. Would it be justifiable to miss his birthday if a great opportunity presented itself to me and make it up to him some other time? Would it be okay for him to be upset and disappointed in me because I chose to put myself first before him? Would I not kick myself for passing on an opportunity to move upward beacause of my bf? Would I resent him for it? Is love enough to where it wouldn’t matter?

I went off on a tangent and thought further, and I questioned: How important is someone else’s love worth? Does it make me a bad person for wanting to put myself first before someone else? Is it selfish? Is it bad that I think I would put myself first? Is love enough?

Again, I can’t help but be diplomatic, but my thoughts were in a flurry. Is it bad to put myself first? And why shouldn’t I? If chance presents itself to better yourself, to move forward, upward, to achieve your own personal goals, shouldn’t you take it? Ambition! It’s a double edged sword, I’ve come to realize. You often hear, the higher you get, the more you work, the longer work, the harder you work, and the more time you put in, the more you find yourself alone… Something to that effect. I’ve heard this, but is it really true?

A while ago I posted something where I talk about a very similar thing: “…I’ve seen a lot of people that I know from high school all happy and married and with children… And yes, I would like that for me one day, but all I can really think about is how much I want a career. I don’t know if I’ll ever be the happy, married, sunshine and rainbows, kids and white picket fences type, but I know there is something else that I want more. It may not make me husband material, but I’m not there yet, and I will admit it, first and foremost! At least not yet…”
I can’t help but realize my words and contemplate them further. This was written 4 months ago. Has my mentality on this changed. Honestly? I don’t think so. However, I cannot deny that I have my concerns. I stick by my word. Yes, I want a career, something I can smile about. I have a great time at work currently. I love the work I do and the environment I work in, I love my co-workers all the more. We’re not just a team of people that work together, we are friends, and on some level, a sort of family. I can genuinely say that I am happy where I’m at. Yes, I know I bitch about my commute all the time, but that is only a small con in comparison to the plethora of pros. Yet still, I want more. Those who are close to me know this.

I’ve worked so much these past 10 years, literally climbed to where I am. Yes I am happy, but I still want more. And this is where I go in to the romantic aspects of my life… I have been working all this time, and yes I have a lot of time on my hands after work, outside of work, but I fill my life with so many other things that make me happy that the romanticism hasn’t really been a factor, something that’s missing. My close friends who know me know that I go back and forth on this all the time. 1 weekend I say I’m ready for something more, the next week I’m contemplating if this is what I want, the third week I’m ready and convinced that this year I want a boyfriend, but then the fourth week I’m happy to be single and just slut around.

Do not perceive this to mean that I do not care for intimacy. I know I’m not a cuddle-er. I’m reminded of this quite often, but as I’ve discussed with various friends, I’m not one to cuddle with just anyone. I really do think this is a very intimate thing that I will not do with just anyone. With that being said, can I see myself cuddling with someone in the future, absolutely. This, does not mean however, that this is all I want.

I think the reason why I was so deep and conflicted in thought with the previous scene was because it really made me realize that when you’re in a relationship, it’s no longer just you. It’s you plus 1. It’s your emotion, but also someone else’s emotions to consider. It’s mind baffling for me to grasp that because, lets face it, our own emotions, thoughts and feelings are sometimes so overwhelming! Have you ever come home after a long day, grasped everything that has happened that week with friends, family, work, school, love, sex, mistakes, personal life…. And just wanted to cry because it was so overwhelming? I’ll raise my hand to that! So have all that, and then add someone else’s emotions to consider? I wish I could insert a “mind blown” gif here to really capture the impact of what I’m trying to say. I really do think that being in a serious relationship, loving someone, being with someone, is a big deal.

Is part of me concerned that because of what my priorities are I won’t find someone? Yes! I’m a little worried that I have the mentality that, “you have to take care of yourself because no one else will!” Do I believe this? Yes. I think that we do have to take care of ourselves and do things for ourselves and depend on ourselves. I’ve believed this for a long time, mainly because I’ve been there. Some of us are very fortunate to have that safety net of family to fall back on, and that is such a gift that you should really be grateful for. Others, not as lucky. I’m not saying that I’m all on my own, but I am not one to burden my mother with any of my failures. She taught me how to be strong, responsible, moral, ambitious and driven. She has her own troubles, the last thing she needs are my own.

Yet still, she is family, and then I think, could I allow someone else who is not my blood, a chance to care for me? To catch me if/when I fall? Can I do that, could I allow myself to do that? Am I too prideful to not allow that?

These thoughts in my head, they come and go. I go back and forth… There, and back again.

Tonight, I can honestly say, I am perplexed with my thoughts. Do I know what I want? In some areas of my life, yes! In regards to my romantical life, I honestly am unsure. Am I worried about this? I cannot say that I’m not, but it’s the least of my worries.

I will close off by saying this: Don’t perceive me as someone that doesn’t know how to love? I love many people, truly care for them, but I don’t show it like most people do. I may not hug you every time I see you, I may not look at you in the eye when we chat, I may not constantly praise you or reinforce my affinity for you, but you are loved still. You will see it in glimmers here and there, that I do in deed care.

Gosh this post is so long and convoluted! Welcome to the thoughts that haunt me… Everyday! =D