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It’s a back and forth thing. It’s easy to do. We all do it. We go back and forth between this and that. Decisions decisions. Is this a good choice? Is this for the best? What are the benefits? What are the disadvantages? Where do I go from here…

So many choices made these past couple of days, some a lot harder than others. Some so frivolous I think that I can’t believe it was a choice to begin with. To call or not to call shouldn’t be the question if you already know the answer. Thank goodness for wise friends.

I sometimes feel like I don’t do enough to go after what I want. But then I question this very fact… I tend to be a go getter, contrary to the previous statement, so I wonder? Would I not be going after something if I really wanted? It makes me believe that I don’t really want what I think I want from X person to begin with. That, or I already got what I wanted?

The truth is, I have no idea what I want. I always go back and forth with what I want regarding my romantic affairs… Do I want something serious or just a fling? Do I want a serious relationship, or a friend with benefits?

I don’t even have anyone in my horizon to even help figure out what I want? The last person I had a crush on is straight, and the last person I told I was interested in was a one night stand whom I haven’t heard from since then. Which I’m not upset about at all (I know what a one night stand is). The thing is, I did say I was interested before the sexy time occurred. We were kind of sloshed though. Meh, whatever. I supposed it doesn’t count if in the end all of the previous conversation and bar time and makeout sessions resulted in sexy time at the end of the night (aka: the one night stand).

Bleh, I supposed that’s why it is a process to move on. Reflect, evaluate, reevaluate, conclude, and start again with a whole new different person, ha ha!

Perhaps I don’t know what I want, but I don’t think that’s a bad thing. There are worse things. Like going into a relationship after only knowing the guy for one week, or going into something serious with someone you don’t even connect with? I don’t know if those or bad things though, but they don’t sound appealing to me. Maybe going out with a cuddler or some overly sensitive, overly romantic guy. Aaaahhhh. Ok, I have to stop being mean. Ok, yeah, no.

I need to start focusing on the now. Forget about the future (with certain things). In regards to my “romantical affairs,” I should really just forget about planning and just focus on the now. The now is good. Jesus, when did I become all overly emotional? Actually, maybe I’ve always been this way, but just choose not to show it all that often. Ok, no. I’m not a secret hopeless romantic, and I’m not a cuddler. I’ve never even really seen The Notebook! My favorite romance movie is Closer with Natalie Portman (she was my favorite character in that movie). Closer wasn’t even a romance though, it was like a drama or whatever. Ok, there has to be a romance movie that I like… None are coming to mind though… Yeah, I got nothing…. No! Wait for it? Ah yes, I remember. I love thee Keanu Reeves. It’s A Walk In The Clouds. That’s my favorite romance movie. That or The Sweetest Thing, but TST is a Romantic Comedy… Whatever.

Yeah, maybe it’s time for bed. Maybe. =)

It’s been a pretty good couple of weeks. Almost done with training which is definitely a good thing but kind of sad in a way. I got used to being in that training/classroom type setting so I know I’ll be missing some people, and the ability to hang with everyone. Looking forward to start work though, the real work. It may be a little crappy (a phone center) but I hope it’s not too lameo.

Anyways, It was a crazy and interesting weekend. I finally spilled the news to my other coworkers/friends about who I had a “secret” crush on.

It is really hard as a gay man to have a crush on someone that you kind of don’t talk to that often but see on a daily basis. There are so many things to consider. One, is this person even gay, two, if they are, are they single, and three, would they even be interested? There is so much to cover that it’s not easy. You can’t just walk to someone and say, “hey, I’m into you, what do you say?” Or something to that effect. At least I know I can’t. Not only am I too cautious, but also I’m not as confident.

But anyways, I finally told my other coworkers about it and I was so glad I did. One of them who actually does talk to this person (more than I do really) revealed that not only does this person have a girlfriend, but they live with them… It’s as if I had been juggling all these plates all these weeks and suddenly they all fell at the same time and shattered on the floor. Yeah, it was a little heartbreaking but such a relief at the same time. This whole weight just immediately slid of my being and allowed me to just breath and “move on”.

The truth is you don’t just move on just like that. It’s not like taking off a blanket or a piece of clothing. It’s still there, the feeling, the hope that maybe, just maybe, you might have a chance. It’s stupid to think that, but I know we all do it. Still, I know at least for me it’s done. Sure, I can still admire said person for their cuteness and my attraction won’t go away, but at least the hope of something more can end there…

Which leads me to the following. What is that saying, the best way to get over 1 addiction is to replace it with another? Yeah, so that’s basically what happened Friday night after I heard the news…

Not felling my happiest, I did what I most people do when they’re feeling down: I got drunk! Got introduced to this new shot, I think it’s called a Rupplemintz or something like that. It’s strong, minty and totally does the job.

Anyway, I was pretty much drunk and at the bar ordering my last drink of the night (it was around 1230ish). Just as I finished ordering I noticed someone on the other side of the bar sitting by themselves. Normally I would just stare and admire in nerdful admiration their cuteness and move on. Yet I thought to myself and said, what do I have to loose? Right? And to be completely honest, this person had similar physical like qualities almost to my most recent crush. So I went for it. Yeah, I’m really glad I did.

I ended up talking with this guy for the rest of the night. We were both drunk and we got kind of stupid to say the least and ended up with some sexy time. I won’t elaborate on that, but I’ll I’m saying that it was good and much needed.

Anyway, I don’t know what will happen now. I did tell this guy that I thought he was really cute and that I’m interested, but also that the ball is in their court. Guy was telling me something about an ex or recent boyfriend who is soon to be an ex or something to that effect. I told guy that I’m not interested in getting in  the middle of something already started, I’m not that person, but that with that being said, that I am interested and that the ball’s in their court. Anyway, I don’t know if he’ll remember, but I think that’s as far as I’m taking it.

I wonder, should I call this guy and start something up? I don’t know. I’m ok with nothing not happening. Or am I? I don’t know. For now, I’m happy with the memories.

Yeah, that’s lame, but meh, I’ve spoken my mind on the issue already. For now, I’m just focusing on the moment. And the truth is, I’m going to be very busy these next couple of weeks. There’s going to be a lot of change with work and starting school and home life adjustment for both me and my pups. I know it’s going to be stressful, so maybe it would be good for things to stay mellow for the next couple of months. I like to believe that things happen for a reason. All I’m saying is this, I had a great weekend, I don’t regret one thing and I’m looking forward to next weekend. And it feels so good to just write all of this down. =)

I got the urge to write all of a sudden. I haven’t really blogged or written anything in a long while. My most recent post have been from months ago and there’s no real substance to them. They feel kind of bland. Like a really good looking cake that just tastes so-so… I dunno, I just felt like sitting on my couch and clicking my fingers on the keyboard and see what happens.

Today was a pretty alright day. I started my new job, which was actually quite alright. It was just amazing how time flies. I feel like I had just barely said goodbye to my former co-workers at Polinsky. It’s weird how I was there two years ago, at Polinsky, and now I’m back again… Not necessarily at Polinsky, but right across from it.

Even sadder, I had to say goodbye to my other coworkers from the shelter. That was really sad. You don’t expect to get so attached to a place or to people so fast, but you do. It was a bitter;sweet day for me last week on Thursday when it was my last day. On one hand I was ubber excited that I would be starting this new job. I like change, and I like a challenge. On the other hand, I was sad to leave such amazing people and such a great place to work. I really enjoyed working at the shelter. It was stressful at times, but nothing too crazy. Emotional? Yeah, but never out of hand. Good Times and good memories.

Things are going well though. I don’t know, but I needed the change I guess. I’m looking forward to these next few months. There’s a lot happening. New job this month, Pride next month, and one of my closest friends Ricky will be in for Pride (yay). Just a lot to look forward to. Which motivates me to get my ass to start working out. I’m not gonna lie, it’s fucking hard.

I’m also looking to start dating finally. I kind of had put it aside in the past for various different reasons. I personally felt like I wasn’t ready for a serious relationship. And to be completely honest, is anyone ever ready for one? There’s always something going on right, so what the hell. I don’t know. Relationships are complicated. But perhaps I think too much. I dunno. That, and you want to find someone worthy of your time. Not to say that I’m too good for someone or whatever, but like everyone, you have your choices and options of what you like and what you don’t like. Perhaps that’s the hard part of dating, always waiting for the right person to come along. Waiting for Mr. Right…. I always remember the movie The Sweetest Thing, where Christina (Cameron Diaz) tells little poor Jane (Selma Blair), “Don’t go looking for Mr. Right. Look for Mr. Right Now, and eventually that now part will just fade away…” Ok, that isn’t the exact quote, but it’s along those lines. Bleh. Mr. Right Now only wants one thing, lol.

I guess I’ve been texting/chatting with someone lately, but I don’t know. It’s fun it’s easy, and but it’s texting. I mean… It’s texting.  Bleh.

Like I said, perhaps I think too much, but sometimes I feel like some people think too little.Maybe that’s my problem though. I always see these guys throwing themselves into these relationships over the weekend. Or those guys that wear their heart on their sleeve. I don’t think I can be that guy though. They just make it look so easy. Who knows, maybe it is. Sometimes, you just have to let go.

This is something I’m learning. Not that I didn’t know this before, but lately it just makes more sense. Just let go. Things will fall into place.

The month just started, and already there’s a lot to work towards and look forward to. I can honestly say though that I am very happy with how things are going. Sure, somethings could be better, but in time I’m pretty sure things will fall into place. I think everything will be where it needs to be.

The one thing that I really need to start pushing myself is getting my ass off the couch and to the gym. It’s true. I am lazy. Bleh. I think it’s time I start changing this too. I really need to clean my apartment. Maybe I’ll tackle this tomorrow. after work… Hmm.

Oy Vey…

This hole lent thing sucks. I really want some chocolate, or a bean and cheese burrito like the one I had Sunday night! GRR!

So I finally got the inspiration to get my ass off my bed and go for a jog. I went to the park with Ace yesterday and I saw all these people running around with their dogs and I felt kind of bad because I used to do that with Ace and Jet (R.I.P), but I haven’t gotten a chance to do that anymore. Luckily though, the time has changed (yay for daylight savings time), so I should have a good hour or so after work to go for a jog with Ace and squeeze in a good workout.

Aside from work, the other thing that was keeping me from going jogging was school. I had been taking a Monday/Wednesday math class, but I ended up dropping it so now I’ll have more time. I dropped the class because I had scored pretty low on my second test and was absent for my 3rd test. I didn’t realize that the test was on the day I was absent until I looked in the schedule and realized that I had mixed up the review and actual test day dates. The only way I would’ve passed that class was if I had gotten an A++ on the last five or six tests, and there was no way that was going to happen. I’ll just have to retake it next semester.

Also, I realized that I really can’t take too many classes. It’s just too much work and I can’t focus. I used to be pretty good with time management, but now I suck at it. Bleh!

Anyways, yeah, I went for a jog around my neighborhood and I quickly realized why I had stopped. I live in Logan Heights, which is pretty much a ghetto neighborhood. As I begin my run, there is an overwhelming smell of Carne Asada burning, which doesn’t come to a surprise because there is a Mexican food place on my corner where I live. But anyway, I push through, only to reach the end of block three where I remembered that there’s another Mexican food place here too. By this time I’ve also almost tripped on Ace thanks to his feisty ass wanting to go over to some stray dog on the opposite street. Anyways, I keep going, up the street I go and reach the end of the third/fourth block where BAM, there’s the smell of Carne Asada again. Lo and behold, another Mexican food place across the street corner I’m running past. We head East now (I started from my house, headed West, turned up the street heading North) reach the park and again I almost eat it thanks to Ace wanting to go after another stray dog hanging around. GRR! The last part of my jog I decided to just walk because by now I’m pretty tired, a little annoyed and overwhelmed by the smell of meat. As we walk down the street (I’m not really paying attention because I was changing my the song on my iPod to something more catchy) Ace all of a sudden jerks me towards the direction of the Liquor store where he nearly takes a little kid’s (kid looked about 5) Tostilocos. I yanked him back just in time, but poor little kid seemed like he was frozen in fear at the sudden appearance of a dog in his face. This tiny little person, mouth all smeared and covered in hot sauce and chamoy with wide ass brown eyes full of fear, left me with a hilarious memory of today’s excursion.

I think I’m just gonna go on to Balboa park and jog there from now on (if I manage to get my ass off my bed that is). Ay, so much to do, so little time. I have to go do laundry now. Bleh!

Oh How Time Flies…

I haven’t written since October of 2011. So much has happened since then. Well, yes and no. I don’t really want to get into the sad stuff as I have gotten past it, so I’m not gonna go there. With that being said, wow. It’s 2012.

So it finally hit me the other day that I am 26 years old. Not such a big deal, but just to know that you’re in a whole new quarter of your life is kind of exhilarating. Things have not really changed so much though to be completely honest. If anything I think they’ve been rather blah and predictable. Nothing wrong with that because stability and normalcy is good, but I could use a little excitement every now and then.

I always tell myself that I’m going to write more but I never follow through with it. I think I just need to figure some stuff out still.

So literally, the most interesting thing going on right now is that I’m doing Lent again like most years. This year I’m giving up a little bit more than the usual. Last year I gave up chocolate, the year before I think it was soda. This year I’m staying away from Fast Food, Junk Food (sweets, soda, chips, cookies, chocolate), and I think that was it… I think there was something else, but I can’t remember.

God this post is so boring. Somehow it sounded so much more interesting in my head, but really it’s kind of just Blah! Just BLAH! There is nothing new happening.

I started school back in late January and that has been ok. I fucking hate my math class. Not because I don’t get it, because with lecture I’ll understand what I’m doing. But the teacher is just flowing through and moving too fast. It’s been about 8 or so years since I’ve taken math, and other than the regular math that I do on a daily basis (like monetary crap, etc.), all of this algebra and equations and crap is a lot to process. It annoys the fuck out of me when the teacher is doing an equation on the board and goes, “Oh, this is an easy one, you all remember this.” NO I DON’T MISTER, NO I DON’T. I sometimes just wanna yell from my seat, “STOP SAYING IT’S EASY!” ARGHH!

Ah, it feels good to just vent and bitch. I really really need to start working out again though because gosh I have been getting plumpy! I’ve gained so much weight it sucks. There’s just been a lot of school work and commutes and all this stuff getting in the way that time has been an issue. I am tired half of the time, so I really don’t feel like waking up at 530 in the morning to go for a jog. I need a surge of inspiration. Which, I kind of got the other day and it really changed my perspective.

Obviously it’s something I’ve known per say, but to see it in this manner it just really stood out. Thanks to my face book buddy Martin Le for posting it. He’s always posting these inspiration little pics and quotes that always put a smile on my face.

There was another one that I can’t remember, I’ll have to look for it and post it later.

I need to get a good schedule in action and my ass to the gym. The only thing holding me back is me and it’s time I start these changes. BLEH. Ok. I go now.

How do I know I was successful with my new schedule? Not only did I do a pretty good job about following it (with the exception of Tuesday because that’s when I created it), I am so freaking tired. But I’ve been pretty good with following it and staying on task.

I thought I was gonna have a hard time getting up hella early in the morning because I was adjusting my schedule even more than before. I used to get up at 630-645ish, but I switched it to 530am! That’s like literally the butt-crack of dawn! It wasn’t so bad though. The biggest feat about that was just getting out of beed. I wake up to find both my dogs all snuggled up on me, so me being all work and cozy and restricted made it hard to just get up and out. I’d wake up and Jet would be right next to me and on my pillow. Yup, she takes half of my pillow and sleep on it. It’s funny because depending on my position, when I wake up if I am on my side (fetal position), we’ll be back to back, and if I’m facing up, her head will be rested on my shoulder/chest or arm. Ace usually sleeps on the floor, but lately he’s been snuggling up on  my legs or right on my ass. It is getting colder so we all benefit from snuggling up. =)

So my mornings start at 530am and I head to the gym at 545ish so that I can be there by 6. Once there I start with 15 minutes of stretching/pushups and what not, and then I move on to cardio… I want to amp it up to 30 minutes, but because of time, I’m only doing about 25 minutes right now. I do 15 minutes on the treadmill and then do 10 minutes on the bike. Next week I’m either going to do 10 minutes on the eliptical or 10 minutes on the rowing machine thingy. I wanna mix up my routine so that I don’t plateu.

The schedule has been working out pretty well though so I’m actually really happy that I did it.  Study time has been alright. I’ve been catching up on my reading so it’s not the best (especially considering I’m not the fastest reader). I find myself kind of dozing off which doesn’t help my concentration, but it’s not so bad. Plus, that little walk with the dogs has been pretty good about energizing me and giving me that extra umph.

I think I’m gonna do a little jog with them because they really enjoy it. I jogged with them yesterday and they’re doing so much better now. There’s still a little bit of tugging but they need the correction and that’s all on me. I think I’m gonna jog with them next week and see how that goes.

I’m going to take advantage of Sunday and totally focus on studying for all of my classes. I got flash cards at Wal-Mart yesterday and everything so I’m all set up. I just need to print my slides for my biopsych class and figure out the important stuff for my counseling class, so I think I’ll be all good.

I’m hoping I do even better by next week and a little less tired. Tonight is about me though. Tonight, i will drink (not too much cause I’m done with getting stupid), and tomorrow is more work. I’m thinking laundry day, oil change if I can fit it in and study time later on in the night. I wanted to clean my room and pack my DVD’s and get rid of this big ass book case that’s housing my dvd’s but I don’t think I’ll have time. It’s either I go do laundry or I do all of that cleaning. And I don’t have time on Monday to do any  of that because there was this training for work that I wanted to go to. Tsk tsk. I guess I’m going to have to tough it out and wake up early on Sunday and try to get all of that done. I do have until 545ish to finish all of that so maybe I’ll be able to get it done. We’ll see. Alright, off to lunch now. Nom nom!

With much further ado, I i present my schedule for the next three months:

 

Time

Sunday

Monday

Tuesday

Wednesday

Thursday

Friday

Saturday

 
6:00am Sleep In Sleep In Gym Time Gym Time Gym Time Gym Time Gym Time  
7:00am-9:00am     Breakfast/Getting Ready for Work

Listen to Biopsych Lecture on Commute

Breakfast/Getting Ready for Work

Listen to Biopsych Lecture on Commute

Breakfast/Getting Ready for Work

Listen to Counseling Lecture on Commute

Breakfast/Getting Ready for Work

Listen to U.S. History Lecture on Commute

Breakfast/Getting Ready for Work

Listen to U.S. History Lecture on Commute

 
9:00am-2:30pm Lunch and Free time

10:00am-2:00pm

Chores and Errands 10:00am-1:00pm Work Work Work Work Work  
2:30pm-3:15pm Jog at the Park with

Ace and Jet

2:00pm-5:00pm

Intro To Counseling  2:20pm-5:25pm Lunch/Review Biopsych Lunch/Review

Biopsych

Lunch/Review

Counseling

Lunch/Review

U.S. History

Lunch/Review

All 3 Class Notes

 
3:15pm-6:45pm Work

 

Listen to Lecture on commute

Biopsych

Work

 

Listen to Lecture on commute

Biopsych

Work

 

Listen to Lecture on commute

Counseling

Work

 

Listen to Lecture on commute

U.S. History

Work

 

Listen to Lecture on commute

U.S. History

 
Dinner

Study Time

Review

U.S. History Counseling Biopsych

6:00pm-10:00pm

U.S. History

6:00pm-9:00pm

 

 

 

Late Snack

 
6:45pm-8:30pm Biopsych Class

6:55pm-10:00pm

Dinner Time

Ace & Jet’s Walk

Dinner Time

Ace & Jet’s Walk

Dinner Time

Ace & Jet’s Walk

Project Runway  
8:30pm-9:45pm Castle Revenge Grey’s Anatomy ANTM  
10:00pm-11:00pm Late Snack/TV Time Desperate Housewives Late Snack/TV Time Study Hour

Biopsych

Study Hour

Counseling

Study Hour

U.S. History

X  
11pm-à Sleep Sleep Sleep Sleep Sleep Sleep X  

 

 Ta Da!

It’s like jammed packed with stuff to do…

So yeah, the next few months I’m gonna be hella busy. I’m going to have to really follow throught with my schedule though. It feels kind of tight, but there’s enough wiggle room in there so it’s not so super jammed packed. I realized after tweaking it today that I’m really not gonna have a lot of room to spend money, which is a really good thing seeing as how I should be really putting some into my savings account for when I move.

But yeah, that’s the schedule I made to try to balance my life out. There’s a little bit of me time in there and dog time too and plenty of time devoted to school which at this point is important. I’m hoping this will work and help me out with getting my grades up.

I began implementing it today and so far so good. With the exception that I’m still at work and who know’s what time I’ll get home, things have been going well. I woke up hella early today and I took my ass to the gym. Oy am I out of shape. It sucked because I only did 1.25 miles in 15 minutes. I used to do about 1.75 in about 15 minutes. But I did do an additional 10 mins on the bike so I got a pretty good work out. Hopefully I’ll get better by the end of the week.

Anyways, I’m off to follow my schedule now. HA ha!

Songs of the Momment

Florence + The Machine – I’m Not Calling You A Liar

So I was so tired yesterday that I pretty much bitched away my night and documented a good part of it in my previous post. I decided to do something about, thus a schedule was born. I wish I had e-mailed it to me so that I could’ve posted it on here. I think I’ll do that tomorrow at work. I dunno, I feel really good about it. I know things don’t always go according to plan, but seeing as how things have been very bleak for me lately, I anticipate that I will not have a hard time following it.

However, I can’t anticipate life’s curve balls, so I will really try my best to follow it. Overall though, I think it’s pretty balanced. There’s a good amount of me time for what I want to do, and plenty of time for studying outside of school. I had forgotten to incorporate my dogs on my first draft so I fitted them on there for the second one. After it was completed I felt pretty bad on how I’m not wit them as much as I would like, but I’m not counting certain times like when they’re inside just lounging and hanging out and I’m doing other things like watching a show or playing a game. That’s more like our living together time. I meant time for them like going for a walk or a jog or taking them to the park for a jog or the dog beach which they really enjoy. I can’t really take them to the beach anymore since the season has changed, and as for the walks, I’m not to eager to take them out for a long walk considering my neighborhood. Still, I would be walking with both of them so I do feel a little safer than say if I were by myself.

Also, there’s activity not just with the mutts, but I’ve incorporated gym time. Albeit, it’s hella early in the morning, but I really need to get my ass to the gym sometime during the week and the only way to incorporate actual fitness time was hella early before work. Going for a walk and or a jog with the dogs can be a workout, but it’s not a high intensity workout that my body needs to achieve some form of weight loss and change in definition. I really want to loose this excess fat I have around my mid-section and start working out my ass. I swear I feel like I’ve lost the plumpness of my ass!

I mentioned earlier something about watching a show or playing a game, and yes, I did incorporate such time in my schedule for just me. I have to be honest, I am selfish, and I need some me time. It’s hard because I really don’t have a lot of time in a day for much of anything. I’m literally squeezing gym time, dog time, study time, me time and some form of eating in there somewhere in 5 hours! How many of you can do that in a five day week and still have time to mange some form of sanity and negate the effects of “burning out”? Do keep in mind that I’m taking 3 classes worth 9 units total, and they’re not easy classes (Introduction to Counseling, U.S. History and Biopsycology)… It’s hard!

After yesterday I had to admit that I felt really overwhelmed. It would be great to just throw in the towel and drop my classes and lounge around, but where would that get me? I’m tired of being stuck in this limbo of not moving forward. I seriously need to just keep on trucking and if I fall down and get a bad grade on a quiz, oh well, work harder and keep on going and study for a better grade. At this point I have no other choice but to literally get A’s on all of my up coming projects and quizzes. I’m not a quitter and I really need to figure out how to successfully fight this battle.

I’ll try to upload or copy/paste my schedule up here tomorrow. At this point I’m violating my time because I should be in bed but oh well, as I said, I can’t predict everything. And although it’s not on the schedule, I’m wanting to get back to my writing (hence the resume of my blog). I always had a good rush of ideas and inspiration when writing so I’m hoping this will liven up my spirit.

I think having the schedule will definitely help me stay on track and keep me there. As I mentioned earlier, I don’t really have much time for anything and it should sit as a good reminder to stop trying to make other stuff happen.  I won’t delve into what “other stuff” means, but just know that whatever it is, I literally have no time for it.

In other news, I’ve been listening to Florence + The Machine and I have to say that I’ve found a new love in tunes. Love me the Florence + The Machine. So many good songs and I’m looking forward to the new album out in November! I had recently downloaded a bunch of new songs so I’ll just jot them down in the beginning. I used to do that with my journal entries in the past (my private journal entries, lol), where I would post at the top of my entry the current songs of the moment so I think I’m gonna start doing that with this too. Instead of starting my post wit the name of the songs and artist, I’m just gonna jot them down at the bottom of the post so that my thoughts don’t begin with music as a thought but rather an actually thought or struggle or however I might be feeling that particular day. I’ll just close with the song or songs of the moment. Perhaps then there might be a better understanding of how my brain is wired. Whatev! I’m tired so it’s time for mimi!

Song of the moment

Florence + The Machine: What the Water Gave Me, Swimming, Howl, Kiss With a Fist, Cosmic Love (and then some)
Metric: Black Sheep
Foster the People: Pumped Up Kicks
Paul Okenfold Feat. Etc.(?): Starry Eyed Suprise
J.Lo: On The Floor (this is my booty workout fitness song, lol)

I have been stuck. It’s as if I have a permanent writers block on my head. I started the school semester excited and “prepared” and ready to take on the challenges set forth… Two months in and it’s already kicking my ass though. I wasn’t prepared to not be engaged. I like my classes, I really do. I am actively listening, taking notes and asking questions, but it feels that as soon as I leave so does everything I just learned. In trough one ear and out the other.

I feel like I can’t focus. My mind is shooting like about 100,000 thoughts a minute and I can’t keep track of all of them. I’m sitting there in class, listening to my teacher and then thinking about this and that, and remembering that I forgot to this and that, and I’m lagging here and there. It’s all just so overwhelming. I wish I could just take a whole week just to catch up with everything.

In reality though, it’s my own damn fault. I have no one else to blame but myself. I really need to create a system or something to start getting more work done for school. I’ve been really bad at my time management these past couple of months and It’s starting to show. I got a C on one of my tests and a D on the other one! GRR! So pissed of because they’re not that difficult of classes (ok, maybe biopsych is), but I have all the tools in front of me to do good, I’m just not doing it.

I have a lot of reading to do and I really really need to get my ass in gear with this. I need to really stop being distracted by the little things. And It’s not like a I have a lot going on. Yeah, I’m busy, but I just need to really manage my time better.

I’m gonna start a schedule that I’m going to have to follow because I’m not getting shit done. I also need to incorporate some gym time there because I’m not being healthy and I’m so fucking sick and tired and frustrating about complaining about not doing good and school and not seeing any results in loosing weight but not really doing about it at the same time.

It’s like I expect to do good just by attending class and I expect to loose all this weight just by sitting on my ass and I seriously have to call BULLSHIT! I’m just all sorts of frustrated and annoyed. Mainly angry at myself with reason. At the same time, I can’t be mad at myself because I only bring myself down and I’ve had a lot of down time in the past thanks to other shit and drama that I don’t need to bring myself down too. I just really need to get my ass going. I have to know that I am smart and that I can do this, but what I really need to do is apply myself, work hard and stop being a lazy ass! Enough with justifying all this freedom and leisure time. I need to be strict on myself and start doing what I need to do. I think I’ll need to do a schedule or a board or something like that. Damn “H” key on my fucking keyboard, and all the other key’s that have decided to stick. What the hell. I feel like I’m having to type everything so fiercely! GRR! Maybe I should `just by a separate keyboard because this one is starting to stick.

I was about to have a major bitch fit and totally throw my laptop against the wall and be done with it because this bitch decided to freeze on me. Luckily, WordPress saved a draft of my blog and nothing was erased. Grr. I’m seriously all sorts of angry at thyself and therefore angry at the world. It’s easy to blame the world for my problems, but knowing me, nothing is easy, of course! Maybe I will do what one of my facebook buddies commented about going to Wal-Mart to find motivation. Obviously, I’m seriously not going to go to Wal-Mart to find motivation, but that website Demotivational Posters come to mind.

Yeah, I need a schedule. I need to go to bed now tough. Starting things up again and I’m gonna wake my ass up at 530 in the am to go for a run. I’ll probably not want to wake up, but as I said, I’m tired of not doing anything and watching my life pass me by. It’s time I start being proactive and start doing and working hard for what I want. I am so going to drive to work tomorrow with my middle finger sticking out of the window! What a beeotch! Man, it feels good to vent and let that inner bitch out. I go to bed now a lot more content. Ni ni world!

I Need A Vacation… =)

Vacation
Need a little sun to break up all the frustration
And turn it into love
Ain’t nobody gonna tell us what we gonna do
Because today, it’s up to you
Temptation comin’ up to me
A little relaxation and I’ll be great to be
Come on and weeky weeky loo at the
It’s gonna start now
Kick it back , kick it back, kick it back to the track
Kick it back, kick it back, kick it back to the max

Vacation’s where I wanna be
Party on the beach where the fun is free
We don’t need a holiday, it’s time to celebrate

‘Cause I need a break, I need a vacation

Vibrations
Need to get me some and drive out all my complications
And turn them into love
Ain’t nobody gonna tell us where we gonna be
Because today, today it’s you and me

Vacation’s what I wanna do
Party on the beach, fun for me and you
We don’t need a holiday, it’s time to celebrate

Repeat after me, “I need a vacation.” 

Let’s go!
I wanna be where the fun is free
So come with me

‘Cause I need a break, I need a vacation

Repeat after me, “I need a vacation.”

(I need a) Vacation
(Come on and) Vacation
(I need a) Vacation
(Come on) Vacation
Let’s go

‘Cause I need a break, I need a vacation

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